Looking for that last minute Halloween costume? The Dad has you covered.
Holy crap! It’s already Halloween. If you’re anything like me, you’re not exactly prepared for this holiday, which means you’ll be handing out pieces of toast and crumbs from the bottom of a pretzel bag to trick-or-treaters. It also means you don’t have a costume yet.
Don’t worry. I’m here to save the day with some last-minute Halloween costume ideas for all you over-busy parents. Best of all: You should be able to cobble these together from stuff you already have at your house.
Super-Perfect Super Parent. This mythical creature wakes up early, stays up late, packs lunches perfectly, helps kids with school assignments in a timely fashion, washes, cleans, drives back-and-forth to school and extracurriculars, always dresseshimsef/herself well, stays in shape, makes amazing dinners, keeps up an active social life, volunteers in the community, has perfect kids with perfect manners, and maybe even holds down a job to contribute some coin to the family kitty. To dress as Super-Perfect Super Parent, you will need to look, well, perfect. Also, you’ll need to lose some weight, gain some muscle tone, have a sparkle in your eye and wear smile at all times.
Warning: If you dress as Super-Perfect Super Parent, you will have to explain to everyone what you are, because no one will have ever seen one before.
Zombie Dad/Mom. If you have small kids, this one is easy. Just roll your sleep-deprived self out of bed and go about your day. Maybe put a little fake blood around your mouth so people know that you’re a zombie and not just hungover.
Is that a piece of macaroni in your hair from last night’s mac ‘n’ cheese dinner that you hastily through together at the last second so your kids wouldn’t start eating potted plants to ease their hunger?”
Nope. Part of the zombie costume.
“Have you been wearing that ratty bath robe all day?”
Yes. Part of the zombie costume.
“Is that the smell of stale beer and a thick musk of mid-life stress?”
Nope. Part of the zombie costume. And stop sniffing me.
Neighborhood Lush. You know that lady who always has one too many gin and tonics at the PTA fundraiser? You know the dad who always has a beer in his hand while he’s mowing the lawn? Hell, this might be you. If it is, or if you’ve always aspired to be the gu who’s a little too handsy with his neighbors’ wives at the tail end of the block party, or the gal who pees in the bushes outside her friends’ Christmas party, then this is the costume for you. Just dress in your normal attire, spritz the spirit of your choice behind your ears, grab your favorite cocktail, and head out the door. This costume works particularly well if you’re wearing it while trick or treating with your kids. Everyone loves the drunk mom stumbling behind her toddlers while they stumble up to strangers’ doors to beg for candy!
So there you have it. Halloween has been saved. Now, go have fun. Happy Halloween!