Apr 182014
 

Why should the kids have all the fun on Easter?

It’s almost Easter. For parents, that means it’s time to start stuffing plastic eggs with sweet treats, jamming Easter baskets with more sugar and small toys, and then coming up with an action plan for bringing our kids down from a fructose-induced mania before they either ride the family dog onto a busy highway or collapse in a diabetic coma. Oh, and let’s not forget trying to come up with clever ways to explain the relationship between the supernatural resurrection of a guy who lived 2,000 years ago, who just happened to be the son of god, and an oversized bunny that magically circumnavigates the globe on Easter morning, delivering chocolate and colorful eggs to the world’s entire population of children. You know, because when I think of crucifixion and resurrection, the next logical step is a giant rodent pushing sweets. Hey, as long as it makes sense to the kids and they don’t ask too many questions.

To make Easter even more exciting, I like to have a little fun with those plastic Easter eggs that we all hide for our kids. You know, the ones normal people stuff with candy or tiny toys? Yeah, instead of doing that sort of thing, because it’s soooo expected, I prefer to fill my kids’ eggs with more original treats. Here’s my list of things I put in my kids’ Easter eggs to throw them for a loop:

Easter Eggs

Think I’m filed with candy? Ha-HA! Think again.

IOUs for college. Let’s be honest, with the cost of higher education spiraling out control, the only way I’m going to afford to send three kids to college at the same time is if they all get scholarships, or if I’m allowed to pay it off over the course of the rest of my life, assuming that I never retire and die at 104. Also, because I believe in helping people help themselves, I will include some coupons for basketball lessons so they can start practicing for those scholarships now.

Vegetables wrapped up as Cadbury Creme Eggs and Hershey’s Kisses. It’s all about the packaging, right? How about replacing a Cadbury Egg, with it’s gooey center and 472 grams of sugar, with a couple of Brussels sprouts? Just wrap them up in the same foil wrapper and give them to the kids with a straight face. Or swap the mass-processed chocolate goodness of a Hershey’s Kiss with a little broccoli floret? “Look, it’s a broccoli kiss! Oh, how lucky you are! The Easter Bunny must really love you! Now, stop complaining and eat your greens while daddy finishes up this pile of chocolate that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere.”

Totally unrealistic expectations. I like to give my kids something to strive for, like being 100 percent perfect 100 percent of the time. The neighbors are watching, after all, and they all claim that their children are perfect. To get my children in the My Kid Can Do No Wrong Club, I like to fill their plastic Easter eggs with little statements to set the bar impossibly high. For example:

“You can do no wrong. No, seriously, you will do no wrong.

“You will be president of the world one day.”

“You are perfect. Now, don’t let me down.”

“Remember, it’s about how you play the game, as long as you play it better than everyone else.”

Nonsensical inspirational statements. You can tell I’m big on the motivational messages, which is somewhat ironic because my kids (ages 4, 3 and 1) can’t read. But that’s no excuse for not being properly motivated, so I like to write out little nonsensical inspirational message on tiny strips of paper, like the notes inside a fortune cookie. And then I stuff them inside a cookie, also like a fortune cookie. However, since I don’t bake or use the oven for anything other than heating up a frozen pizza, these treats wind up looking like little strips of paper sticking out of raw cookie dough. Well, let’s be honest, they are little strips of paper sticking out of raw cookie dough, which I think makes them quite the delightful Easter treat. They’re like a little sliver of wisdom encased in gooey goodness. Anyway, here are some of my favorite statements, in case you want to try this at home:

“Reach for the moon … if you miss at least you’ll be among the stars.”

“When your mind is full of indecision, try thinking with your heart.”

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.”

“Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.”

And my all-time favorite, which children of the ’80s might remember from Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 broadcasts: “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.”

W-T-F? Who comes up with these sayings? 

Anyway, Happy Easter, everyone!

  2 Responses to “Things I stuff in my kids’ plastic Easter eggs to throw them for a loop”

  1. Bah ha ha ha…the brussel sprouts idea is amazing!

  2. […] of you may have seen my Easter post, “Things I Stuff in My Kids’ Easter Eggs to Throw Them for a Loop.” In that post, I talk about nonsensical inspirational statements. These pseudo-philosophical […]

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