It’s colder than a witch’s … well, it’s damn cold in Denver.
Growing up in Atlanta, a place where they declare a State of Emergency when the temperature dips below 20 and people abandon their vehicles in the middle of a highway when half an inch of snow blankets the road, I will never, ever get used to a forecast that includes the phrase “warming up to a high around -4.” But here we are on a splendidly chilly day in the Mile High City. And no one seems to really care.
Speaking of very cold weather, we’ve all see those pictures on Facebook of people’s car thermometers. People love to post those pics in extreme weather. Oh my god it’s 111! Or, It’s so cold that I just shriveled into a female!
That’s not normally my thing, but I made an exception today so that I could point out a few things about the weather in Denver. First, here’s my car thermometer at high noon:
And now, a few observations:
1. This was actually the high temperature of the day by 12:00 p.m.
2. It was significantly colder before the sun came out, when I was driving my son to preschool. I attempted to photograph my dashboard temperature gauge then, but the temperature readout just flashed “Error … Error … Are you f’ing kidding me? … Error … Error … Go back to bed.”
3. There are actually some birds that fly south to here for the winter. I’m guessing that those winged nitwits are either directionally challenged or that they got into too much of the local whiskey before setting out. I’m looking at you, Canadian Geese.
4. I’m fairly certain that the frigid, snowy weather that began immediately following the Super Debacle on Sunday was the result of John Elway selling his soul to the devil to bring Peyton Manning to Denver. Only Elway cheaped out and decided to skip a couple payments. So this is payback. Lucifer is probably all, “Cold enough for you? It’s nice and warm down here. Just ask Robert Palmer. You know, ‘Some like it hot.'”
5. My wife took one look at the temperature this morning and decided to fly to California. This is no joke. She up and bolted for the Left Coast without even giving the mercury a change to climb above zero. I just got a text from her telling me that she’d landed and it was super warm and sunny. She is lucky I love her.
6. My biggest concern is not frostbite or frozen pipes, but that the beer in my man fridge, located in the unheated garage, will all freeze. Then I will be trapped here in subzero temperatures, by myself with the kids, with no beer. If that happens, I will be dialing the Robert Palmer/Eternal Furnace of Hell hotline post haste and requesting an expedited pickup.
That’s all for today, folks. Tune back in tomorrow, Thursday, February 6, when I’ll be redirecting you to Pile of Babies for the first installment of my bet payment to Seattle Seahawks Super Fan Meredith Bland. We made a bet on the outcome of the game—I had the Broncos and she had the Seahawks. Loser has to write the other one’s blog for a couple segments. Well, um, in case you were hiding in a refrigerator on Sunday, my team, the Broncos, did not win. So I’m taking this show 0n the road to Pile of Babies tomorrow. See ya then.