Bad Words and Vomit Talk

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Aug 012014

Bad Words Mysteriously Appear, and a Conversation About Puke

My 20-month-old son, a.k.a. Heavy D, has a little wooden alphabet train on top of the dresser in his room that normally looks like this:

Bad Words and Vomit Talk

Today, when I walked into his room, I found this:

Bad Words and Vomit Talk 2

Now, this is a mystery for several reasons:

One, when we put Heavy D to bed last night, I’m fairly certain the letters hadn’t been altered.

Two, Heavy D can’t reach the top of his dresser, which is probably 5 feet tall. Even if he could, he hasn’t figured out how to climb out of his crib yet as far as we know. 

Three, Heavy D can’t spell.

Four, if Heavy D could spell, is he likely to call himself out as being “bad”? What sort of commentary on his self-esteem is this?

Five, Heavy D’s windows were locked, and there were no signs of forced entry by “bad” spellers or mischievous raccoons or both.

Six, the house is not haunted, as far as we know. And if it was, would the ghost haunt us by making a wooden alphabet commentary on my son’s behavior? If so, piss off, ghost! No one calls my son “bad” except me!


And now, a conversation with Godzilla about vomit

Yesterday, I was driving with my three-year-old daughter, Godzilla, and Heavy D, and this happened.

GODZILLA: I feel like I’m going vomit.

THE DAD: What?

GODZILLA: I feel like I’m going to vomit.

THE DAD: It sounded like you said you were going to vomit.


THE DAD: Okay, I’ll turn the car around and go back home.

GODZILLA: No, don’t turn around. I like riding in the car.

THE DAD: Well, I don’t really want you to puke in my car.

GODZILLA: I won’t.


GODZILLA: Daddy, I’m not going to vomit. That’s just something people say.

THE DAD: It is?

GODZILLA: Oh yes. People say that all the time.

THE DAD: They do?

GODZILLA: [Exasperated sigh] YES!

THE DAD: So you’re not going to puke in the car?

GODZILLA: [Exasperated sigh with eye roll] No, I just said that because that’s what people do.

THE DAD: Okay, well as long as we’re on the same page.